Yellowstone Erupts, University Issues Hawk Alert for “Volcanic Ash Warning”

The University of Iowa has issued a Hawk Alert after the supervolcano located in Yellowstone National Park erupted Tuesday morning.

The alert reads: “HAWK ALERT Volcanic Ash Warning. Today 11am- foreseeable future. Ten minute exposure to outside air may lead to being buried in ash. Seek immediate shelter.”

In addition to the Hawk Alert, the university is taking measures to adapt instruction during this unforeseen disaster.

“This is a devastating event,” said President Bruce Harreld in a statement to the press. “Our first priority is keeping our students safe, so we are limiting in-person classes to 20% capacity. We will also be offering all our usual mental health resources to our staff and students while we mourn the casualties of the disaster, including my Colorado mansion, whose roof has caved in under a three-foot layer of ash.”

Despite the order to seek shelter, many students fear their apartments are not up to protecting them from the post-eruption conditions.

“Once the ash blocks out the sun and sends us into a nuclear winter, there’s no way these shitty heaters are gonna keep us warm,” said Apartments Downtown tenant Keegan Williams. “In fact, they actually thought to put volcanic ash damage as one of the expenses we’re responsible for in the fine print of our leases this year. It’s like those bastards knew something.”