Witches' Union Goes on Smite

Following funding cuts to the College of Sorcerous Arts and Sciences, the Iowa City Witches’ Union has voted unanimously to launch an indefinite labor smite. Stated goals of the action include: To cast wrath upon the oppressors; to annihilate those that would stand against the goals of the righteous many; and to uphold legal protections on practicing the dark arts.

In order to authorize this smite action, all 1,065 local Witches’ Union members had to spill their arterial blood upon a blessèd stone and incant in unison the relevant sacred words, whose arcane letters were first inscribed at the height of the American labor movement.

Labor smites have a long history in protecting the rights of the mystically talented. The Union, which has its roots in the 19th-century Guilde of Whyte Warlockes of Iowa (but has since been desegregated*), defends its status as a longstanding local institution: “Witches have always lived in Iowa, and they always will. Nobody can take our magic away from us.”

*With the notable exception of four-eyes. Those who have had their vision permanently corrected by way of sorcery, however, are permitted to join.