'What, guys can’t be guys no more?' Apparently Insufficient Legal Defense For A DUI Case

Has feminism gone too far?

Pictured: Brentley Albright studying late at the Boyd Law Library

University of Iowa law student Brentley Albright recently argued in his first case, defending his fraternal brother Tacklebox (real name unknown) from prosecution regarding his 3rd DUI offense this year. Tackle’s trust in his counsel seemed shaky before the case had begun, as he posted a picture of Brentley to his close friends story mere minutes before the hearing captioned 'look at my lawyer dawg im going to jail 💀💀💀'.

Albright graduated nulla cum laude at Arizona State in 2023 and was accepted into Iowa’s law school by taking a misprinted entrance exam where every answer was ‘C’. Despite not having passed the bar, the judge for the case let Albright into the courtroom because he 'fucked with him heavy.'

The legal defense Albright presented to the jury consisted mostly of retelling stories from pledge week, calling his client 'a legend', and mumbling 'drunk cigs don’t count' under his breath. The prosecution undermined Albright’s defense by revealing that his defendant had posted on X (formerly Twitter) that drunk driving was 'the move', 'a vibe', and 'in for 2025' all within the past week.

After 30 seconds of deliberation, the jury unanimously agreed that the defendant, Tacklebox, was guilty of all charges and that doing 75 in a school zone is not protected under the ‘bro code’ clause of the first amendment. He is facing a suspended license, one semester of 8 am lectures, and a six month ban on consuming any nooners. His bond of $30,000 was paid within hours by his dad, Lockheed Martin CFO Bobsled (real name unknown).