We’ve Been Away From Campus For Almost a Year Now – Here’s How It’s Changed

After a year of social distancing, self-isolation, and online classes, it’s difficult to imagine the changes that have occurred in Iowa City. Is the Ragstock downtown still in a humid, dingy basement? Where can we find overpriced Iowa gear after the violent vandalization and subsequent demolition of the Hawk Shop? And what happened to Bruce Harreld’s plan to install massive cages in the Pentacrest to lock up his political opponents? Luckily for you, we’ve sent one of our top investigative reporters to let you know what you’ve missed in the twelve months since you broke down and cried on the floor of Burge Dining Hall.

One of the most notable changes to the University, as Iowa City residents can attest to, is the gentrification of the EPB. Despite its unsightly exterior, new residents have described its halls as “due for a comeback” and “so posh.” You may be wondering to yourself who these new residents with terrible taste could be. If you guessed the horde of cockroaches that live in the walls of the EPB, you guessed correctly! According to Lydia Roach, one of 4,500 insects scattered throughout the building, the entire neighborhood is experiencing a resurgence, and the property value is skyrocketing.

“The next thing you know,” Roach tells us with a cup of frozen yogurt in hand, “there’ll be an Anthropologie and an Apple store next to the vending machines. The whole building is becoming so trendy, and I literally can’t wait to move into my new studio apartment. Sure, it might be only three square inches, but it’s more about what you do with the space than how big it is.”

Despite numerous protests organized by local opossums, who claim this overhaul of their neighborhood is prejudiced and harmful to their community, developers still plan to remarket the EPB as the most popular neighborhood in Iowa City. We eagerly await the beginning of classes to see just how hip the ugliest building in Iowa has become!

On a more somber note, our sources tell us that Catlett Residence Hall has disappeared entirely as of March 7th, 2021. If you have any information about its whereabouts, please contact the Doily Allergen immediately. We won’t share this information with the University. We’re just curious about what could have possibly happened and we think we could milk this for at least three or four articles.

If you’re looking forward to returning to the Chemistry Building and its bathroom stalls specifically designed to muffle your sobbing over organic chem, don’t be surprised if you end up with a rodent lab partner. The opossums, displaced from their home in the EPB, have staged an uprising and seized the entirety of the Chemistry Building and the second level of the IMU Parking Garage. Marcy Marsupial, the spokespossum for her rodent army, asked us to spread a simple message.

“We don’t mind if students want to use this building. We have no problem with that. We wouldn’t even mind sharing our space with the roaches down the road. All we ask is that our right to live in this building is guaranteed. I mean, we aren’t animals. We deserve a place to live like anyone else.”

Well said, Marcy! We’ll see if the opossums change their minds when hordes of students resume their stress-induced breakdowns throughout the building.

There are plenty of other new residents of campus buildings, from the kind rats living in Daum to the newts and geckos cohabitating in the Lindquist Center, but we’ve been asked by the University to inform readers of safety issues in the Main Library. As of today, a state of emergency has been enacted throughout the entire building due to Mad Max-like anarchal conditions. Tribes of animals, hardened by months of starvation, war, and disease, now prowl the shelves of the library, searching for their next targets. While some groups, like the stoats that live in the TILE classrooms, are willing to be amicable and trade with students who may encounter them, there are many creatures that aren’t so friendly. Do not, under any circumstances, approach the foxes. While they may be cute and cuddly, University officials warn that their temperament has dramatically changed since they began slaughtering students left and right.

Admittedly, our favorite addition to campus is the face of our newspaper’s founder carved into the dome of the Old Capitol. This face, brooding and handsome, depicts Mr. Allergen himself in his former glory before his death in a whitewater rafting accident in Sandals, Jamaica on May 8th, 2020. Students are expected to bow down to the visage of Mr. Allergen whenever they make eye contact with him, lest they wish to face his Doily Wrath, but it isn’t all bad. Rumor has it that every night at midnight, one of Mr. Allergen’s devoted followers is granted a wish of their choosing, so long as it has nothing to do with whitewater rafting in Sandals, Jamaica.

That sums it up! Iowa City has experienced some massive changes since we all left, and we look forward to rediscovering the new and improved University of Iowa. If we’re lucky, we might even be able to cohabitate with our new insect and animal friends on campus, but most signs point to a violent insurrection in the near future. Oh well. If you would like to submit your own favorite change to campus this semester, don’t.