Vibe Check: Talk Like A Pirate Day “Why Aren’t You Ready, Kids?”

Vibe Check is an ongoing series of guest-written reviews of Iowa City locations and venues, because we simply cannot be bothered to write them ourselves. Today’s Vibe Check comes from guest writer Bart McKinleys, an Iowa City resident and devout pirate enthusiast.

Every blasted year this happens.

Every year, I send out memos to the city council, I put up flyers, I tell all me crew about it, and every year not a single one of you bloody landlubbers cares about National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Only Congress has the power to create national holidays, in hopes that all us scoundrels could celebrate the metaphorical ship this country sails on. Does everyone think they can ignore the will of our elected officials? [Editor’s Note: Talk Like A Pirate Day is not a federal holiday. It was invented in 1995 by John Baur and Mark Summers.]

I really hoped this year would be different. I really hoped that after all the recent tragedy—I am of course referring to the great Pentacrest Chalk War— we could band together and all pretend to be scallywags, just for a day. Hell, to get people talking about it, I even chopped off me own leg! I’ve been walking around on this little peg leg, just in hopes ye all would lighten up for a day.

But here I am, like always, crucified by your glares every time I yell “Avast!” Half of the parents I see think I’m a costumed worker, they just let their kids kick me. One time, they were doing “Spongebob: The Musical” at Hancher, and they yanked me on stage in front of thousands of people. But hell, at least that crowd knew what to say when I asked, “Are ye ready, kids?”

For shame, people. I ought to make ye all scrub the brig and then toss ye to the Sea and let ‘er have ‘er way with ye.

If ye want to write yer own Vibe Check, that be too bad.