Vibe Check: Pfizer Children’s Vaccine “Needles=Big Ouchie”

Vibe Check is an ongoing series of guest-written reviews of Iowa City locations and venues, because we simply cannot be bothered to write them ourselves. Today’s Vibe Check comes from guest writer Eliza Johnson, local third grader at Lincoln Elementary School and anti-vaxxer.

Hi Mr. Allergen,

My name is Eliza and I am writing about the pfizer children's vaccine. I was watching the news with my dad when I heard the vaccine is going to be made for kids my age. I am very scared at the thought of a shot, I hate needles so much. They’re so long and pointy and scary. Needles are my enemy >:( !!

I talked with my friends about the vaccine, and they also said it was for stinky doo doo’s.

My friend Macy said that her daddy’s doing research on the vaccine, which is really cool. Who knew a mechanic could do important work like that? She is also super scared of needles and hates the doctor and thinks that his office smells like her grandma’s feet.

My other friend Shawn didn’t say much about the shot. Shawn just wanted to not get vaccinated so he can stay home and finish a village he’s making on Minecraft for his zombie friends. It’s actually really cool, it has a pool and a garden and everything.

We all decided to rally against the vaccine on the blacktop during recess. We stood with our signs that said “shot hurt!” And “Minecraft>shot."

Some other kids protested our protest, saying that the shot was good and that it protects us. What dummies. We wanted to find a way to compete against each other to see who would win so we could see who was better. We raced on the blacktop, the leader going first. That was me.

I went up against Mark who is in my class and a huge butthole. Thankfully, I had my sketchers on so I won the race (since they make me go really fast). Then, the bell rang for recess to end and we all went inside. I think we really prevented a lot of kids from getting ouchies at the doctor.

Edit: It is difficult to say how the country plans to get children vaccinated if their parents or themselves are resistant to comply. Some public health experts have proposed inputting the vaccine’s ingredients into an edible slime so they’ll be tempted to eat it, and be vaccinated unknowingly.

Note: This article was edited to increase its readability. Eliza sent it to us on a piece of construction paper smothered in Mott’s AppleSauce, with every other word spelled incorrectly.