Usher Scores Record Number of Touchdowns in Super Bowl LVIII, Beats Both Teams

Last week was the 58th championship game of the NFL: The Super Bowl, a once beloved television event that now merely results in people going, “Oh, that’s tonight?” Despite the steadily decreasing interest from the public, many staples of the Super Bowl are cemented in popular culture, including the commercials, the national anthem, and of course, the halftime show.

This year, to match the Super Bowl’s own image of “things no one has thought about since 2016,” the halftime performance was headed by Usher. The R&B star took dozens of millennials back to their high school days with mid-tier hits popularized in school dances, and left most zoomers asking, “Can we cut back to the Taylor Swift camera?”

But surprisingly, Usher’s halftime performance was not the last time the Super Bowl would be featuring him. After a painstaking 25-minute spectacle where he made everyone watching wish they were watching anything else, the game resumed, with the 49ers and the Chiefs set in a miserable 0-0 tie. The first half consisted of nothing but fumbles and interceptions one after the other, and after the first toss of the second half resulted in much of the same, many football fans began to grow dejected at the two teams’ performances. At the same time, with both teams wearing red and white and doing equally terrible, many non-football fans had long since switched channels to watch the Friends reruns on TBS. Anything was better than this game.

Suddenly, halfway through the third quarter, Patrick Mahomes of the Kansas City Chiefs threw a pass to Rashee Rice that appeared to curve wildly out of bounds. However, as the referees lifted the whistle to their lips, a hand clutched the football from behind the lines, and a clear voice shouted, “Yeah!”

It was Usher.

Fans watched in shock and awe as the singer tucked the ball confidently under his arm and began sprinting onto the field, heading towards the nearest end zone. Everyone stood in still confusion as he made it, and, bouncing the ball on the astroturf belted out, “It started when we were young, girl, you were my, my boo!”

Announcers and referees alike were silent, clearly attempting to figure out how exactly to describe the situation at hand, but someone on the technical end of things clearly knew what to do. In a matter of moments, a third section appeared next to the labels “KC” and “SF”, titled “UR” and displaying a score of 7 points. He had not made the kick for the additional point, but everyone could see that he didn’t need to for that to count as a full touchdown.

After Usher’s first touchdown and spontaneous singing, he picked up the ball and immediately began charging down towards the other end of the field, clearly planning on earning more points for his one-man team. At this point, while many of the players remained clearly frazzled, their football instincts had begun to kick in, and players from both teams sprinted after the singer. Usher, who had no protective gear on and was not a professionally trained football player, looked to be in trouble.

However, the musical artist hadn’t remained semi-relevant for over 20 years without having a bit of finesse. When players got too close, Usher looked over his shoulder, and simply called out, “Cause baby tonight!” Any players within hearing distance instinctively stopped in their tracks to bob slightly to the beat and respond, “The DJ’s got us falling in love again!” This gave Usher the chance to dart away and resume his charge down the field, eventually scoring yet another touchdown within minutes of his last one.

This continued for the rest of the game. Usher raced back and forth between the two end zones, the announcers now having wisened up to the third party currently dominating the competition and commentating on his “unique strategy” and “quick thinking.” Song after song caused Usher’s competitors to steer clear of tackling him, as they recalled hits like “Burn” and “Confessions Part II” for the first time in over a decade.

By the end of the fourth quarter, Usher had single-handedly broken the record of highest points scored in a Super Bowl game, defeating both the Chiefs and the 49ers with a score of 56-0-0. As the crowd swarmed the field, Usher dodged the Gatorade dunking with the skill and suaveness that he had dodged the other players with. Reporters quickly approached him, asking, “You just won the Super Bowl: what are you going to do?” 

He slid on a pair of shades and coolly answered, “I guess I’m gonna have to perform at Disney World.” 

Usher has now received the highest bump in listeners since 2010. All his upcoming concerts have sold out their tickets overnight, and hundreds of Swifties have taken to TikTok to declare their new favorite artist is none other than secret football prodigy, Usher Raymond IV. The Super Bowl will likely never be the same.