Unrelated To COVID-19, Kim Reynolds Demands All Iowa Men Pee Sitting Down Effective “Immediately"

After declaring a health disaster due to COVID-19, Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds tacked-on an unexpected last minute statement, demanding that all Iowa men pee sitting down effective “immediately and forever.”

“Given everything that’s going on, it seems like the right time to come out and say that no matter how much you guys wipe down the seat afterwards, pee still gets everywhere and it’s really, really gross,” Reynolds said. “I can always tell when my husband Kevin has taken a big old leak in our bathroom. You can just smell it. Even if you manage to aim your stream in a perfect arch into the toilet bowl, that stuff sprays up onto the bottom of the lid—sometimes even on the floor. Ick ick ick.”

Reynolds continued,

“Since becoming Governor, I’ve been dying for an opportunity to sneak this sort of proclamation in someplace. I figured as long as I’ve got everyone’s attention up here dishing out state-wide health and sanitation guidelines, I’ll push my luck and call for all the fellas out there to please, please just sit down while you pee for the remainder of your lives here in Iowa. I can’t overstate how much we’d appreciate it if you’d take one for the team, fully drop your pants, and piss like your brave mothers and daughters. Remember: when you stand, America falls.”

Reynolds reminded Iowans this declaration “is just like the whole restaurant/bar one” and that “you have to do it because I’m Governor.”