University Officials Send Up Melissa Shivers Signal

Amid growing racial strife between the UI student body, Iowa City residents, and local police, University of Iowa officials have sent up the Melissa Shivers signal in an attempt to “bring honor and justice to our streets once and for all.”

“What we need right now is a hero,” said UI President Bruce Harreld. “Getting The Melissa Shivers back on the university’s payroll will show those villains who use terror and violence to rule over our citizens that their days here in Goth–Iowa City are numbered.” Harreld explained the Melissa Shivers signal has been operational since she left her university position in November, and that they’ve been flipping it on every weekend “just to see if someone, anyone” of color will show up and ask for a job in the UI administration.

“We call upon you, The Melissa Shivers, to use a combination of martial arts, vigilante heroics, and empty tokenism to restore peace and order in our town. Our hope is that when Iowa City residents see The Shivers symbol up there in the night sky, they are comforted knowing that all their problems, as well as this university’s long-standing problem with racial diversity in its staffing, will soon be solved.”

Harreld was last seen on the phone with the Iowa City Police Commissioner asking if he knew the true identity of The Melissa Shivers, and where the mysterious “Shivers Cave” might be located.