University of Iowa Dorms as Zodiac Signs

Libra is the season of judgment, and we’re in full-on Libra right now, so let’s start passive-aggressively assigning personality traits to unimportant things! Whether you check your Co-Star chart every day, or can’t even spell Sagittarius, everyone has always wondered how you could personify the dingy, smelly building you live in. Here they are: your dorms as Zodiac Signs.

(If you disagree with these assignments, I advise you to look at the stars while you cry about it.)

Aries = Parklawn: Aries, you know you’re full of that macho student athlete rage that Parklawn used to be full of before it closed down. But if you take a break and come back without that aggression, you might just be the saving grace for a sad freshman who got a too-late room assignment.

Taurus = Burge: Taurus you have been through so much, you are so old, so much of you is broken. But you know what? You’re still fucking standing, and you’re always going to have a fanbase who makes sure everyone knows you’re not as dirty as they say. Also, you are not afraid of cockroaches, which is really badass, so keep on keeping on.

Gemini = Rienow: Gemini is always half of a pair, but you’re also always the wilder half. Rienow is exactly the place where you can goof off and do whatever you want as you look across the street at your boring twin and feel so proud of yourself.

Cancer = Daum: Cancer, you just got here, and you’re not sure if this whole college thing is for you. But we’re so proud of you for trying to be social… oh wait you aren’t? You just sit and study all night and duck every time you hear yelling outside? Ok, well, just take care of yourself, I guess.

Leo = Catlett: Leo, you think you are the hottest shit on campus, and your charisma has got a lot of people convinced. But if we look just a little below the surface, and we see all the real problems: your dining hall is closed on weekends and your elevators are always broken, and we learn that in the end, you’re just like everyone else.

Virgo = Hillcrest: Virgo, you are such a perfectionist, you had to remodel even though you aren’t nearly one of the oldest buildings on campus. But we forgive you, because you can get the closest to mom’s cooking out of anybody else around.

Libra = Slater: Libra, you are the other half of Gemini’s pair, but you are much more balanced and analytical than your crazy cousin. Unfortunately, this means you sometimes fade into oblivion, as I have never met a single person who has ever lived in Slater. But hey, this post was inspired by your season, so enjoy the rest of your spooky month!

Scorpio = Petersen: Scorpio, you are so mysterious, you only let people who really know you get to see your true self. You’re also just as hot as Leo, but hardly anyone ever knows, so get out there and tell the world how cool you are. They’ll see that the walk is worth it.

Sagittarius = Off Campus: Sagittarius, you are so wild and free, you are willing to go on the least traditional adventure there is and skip the dorm life altogether. You could be anywhere — the historic neighborhood, the Coralville apartments, or even commuting from an hour away, but you’re doing your own thing, and that’s what matters.

Capricorn = Currier: Capricorn, you have been around the longest, but unlike Taurus, it has left you bitter and tired. You have your own special quirks, with the carpeted floors and the corner rooms, but you don’t want to brag about it. You’d rather just collect your own wisdom and watch everything else burn.

Aquarius = Mayflower: Wow, Aquarius, you’re so different with those suite-style rooms, how unique. But you keep yourself so far away, it hardly seems like you’re on campus anymore, at least until we hear about your fire alarm going off at 3 AM again. We want to get to know you more, how about you stick around? Oh wait you’re being sold… ok, bye I guess?

Pisces = Stanley: Pisces, you are so artsy fartsy, you can house all the colorful and creative LLCs. Plus, you saw what the west side was doing with those double-digit buildings, and you wanted to join the stars with them. You aren’t quite there yet, but at least you have those stunning views of the sunset over the river, and that’s enough.

There you have it! If you live in the same dorm as the sign you were born under, I predict you will receive fortune and luck until the next waning gibbous moon. If not, you’re probably going to get stuck in your dorm’s elevator or something. But if that happens, remember not to blame me — blame the stars and the architects, as I am merely the messenger.