University of Iowa Community Mourns Loss of Student to Dorm C-Store Sushi

Residents of Mayflower Hall gathered outside the dorm c-store to celebrate the life of Theo Hedrick, a student who decided he could take on the dorm sushi. “I can’t say I would’ve done the same,” says Ron Beaumont, his roommate. “I saw him walk into the room with the package, and I figured if I stopped him now, natural selection would finish the job anyways.”

It seems the c-store providers were also not quite sure of the food’s safety, despite supplying it. A part time cashier at the store, Kat Omotayo, said “When I asked where the fish in the rolls came from, my boss told me it was a really good question and then she just told me it was too dangerous to talk about it here.” They also directed me to ask their coworker Grace Nebinger. “I asked about the safety of the food and my boss just made a vaguely threatening throat slitting gesture at me”, said Nebinger. We reached out to the manager of the c-store for comment. Their response: “Hindsight is 20/20.”

We received many questions from our readership asking us “Satire writers, why do you think this student died from that sushi?” The general consensus is that we ask our readership to exercise a little bit of critical thinking. In the kindest way, what did he think was going to happen? This is an aquatic animal caught from the ocean. We are in Iowa. We’re appreciative of all our readers here, but we’re going to go with victim blaming on this issue.