University of Iowa Announces Permanent Closure

The University of Iowa was founded on February 25th, 1847. Since then, it has seen a variety of students studying various subjects. So, it came as a shock to some when University President Barbara Wilson announced on Friday that, to celebrate the school’s 175th anniversary, it will be closing its doors forever.

“We initially planned to hit the big 200,” said President Wilson. “But these last couple of years have been pretty trying, so instead of over-extending our stay, we’ve decided to close up shop.”

The University has clarified that any degrees currently in progress will be void and hours completed will not count. Refunds will not be administered, and any student still on campus premises beyond February 22nd will be legally trespassing and tried to the utmost extent of the law.

“One last thing…” President Wilson said. “Go fuck yourself.”