University Institutes New “No Snitchin'” Policy In Regards To COVID

Having exhausted all previous safety measures used to keep reports of positive COVID numbers down, the University of Iowa has implemented a campus-wide “No Snitchin’” policy amongst its students. This new policy advises students to keep their friggin’ mouths shut should they contract the deadly virus, thus keeping the campus’s COVID numbers from spiking. Admin have also taken on the personal responsibility of stomping any fool who blabs about their condition, be it to their parents or the press.

President Bruce Harreld says the University had been toying with a policy like this for some time.

“We first thought of this idea back when all that shit about Chris Doyle leaked,” said the president about the recent firing of the strength and conditioning coach. “Now, we gotta deal with all these g-d lightweights flappin’ their lips to the papers about how we caused them to contract a deadly virus.” Harreld then proceeded to mime a baby crying while saying “Boo-hoo-hoo” in a mocking tone.

When asked what the protocol would be were some little punk to be caught snitching about their positive COVID result, President Harreld assured us that all RA’s and University staff members have been equipped with the means for administering stitches.