University Cuts Ties With Satan After Release of Lil Nas X Video

After the release of Lil Nas X’s music video for “Montero (Call Me By Your Name)” featured the artist giving Satan a lap dance, the University has cut all connections with the Dark Lord of Hell.

“To be clear, we hold nothing against Lil Nas or his music. However, we are appalled to see Lucifer— who we thought was a faithful partner— smirking to the world as he betrays our trust,” said University relations representative Daniel La’fleur. “The message this video sends to the youth is unacceptable. We cannot allow American children to believe that there is nothing wrong with a fallen angel betraying the University he loves most.”

La’fleur then got quiet for a moment, and appeared to be holding back tears. He cleared his throat, and asked “Is… do you guys think he’s been with other Universities? Is He the reason UCLA is in the Final Four?”

“The University of Iowa cannot keep doing this,” La’fleur ended the conference by saying. “We have to do what’s best for us, not the Dark Lord. He has hurt us one too many times, dammit, and it’s high time we say ‘To Hell with Him!’ I mean honest, I cannot- oh, sorry. He’s calling right now. We have to go.”