UI Tires of Being #2 Writing School, Wants to Be #1 Drinking School Again

The University of Iowa has announced that, while it is a decent accomplishment to be ranked the #2 school in the country for writing by US News & World Report, surpassing the likes of Harvard and Princeton, it would be really cool to go back to being the #1 school in the country for drinking.

“Being the second-best writing university in the nation is an enormous accomplishment, of course,” said UI President Barbara Wilson, “but the faculty and I just don’t think it’s relatable to most Iowans or most college students, and therefore may not be the best selling point for potential new students.”

Indeed, Iowa historically enjoyed its reputation as one of the nation’s drunkest college campuses, even being ranked first on numerous occasions. In recent years, however, the University has experienced an almost imperceptible trend downwards, tanking its spot in this highly competitive field. According to the University’s top experts, this is a problem.

“The data is simply terrible,” Professor Harold Dartmouth, Chair of the Department of Statistics and Actuarial Science, told Doily Allergen reporters last Monday. “If Iowa experiences a further drop of 0.2 percent fewer drinks consumed annually over the next five years, its once legendary reputation may entirely fade from the minds of prospective students. This would signal a major blow to the University’s prospects and would likely lead to major budget cuts and mass layoffs.”

Wow, what a fright! Let’s hope Iowa does more to fight this devastating lack of student alcoholism in the coming years. The Doily Allergen’s policy researchers have already sent President Wilson a formal proposal to curb this issue by making football season year-round. Until policy changes are implemented, we encourage you to do your part by spreading the word to anyone you know who’s still in high school about the “lit” drinking culture here on our beautiful campus.