UI Physics Department To Stock “Planck Length Ply” Toilet Paper In Bathrooms

In a shocking turn of events this week, the University of Iowa’s Department Chair of Physics and Astronomy, Dr. Carrot, announced that they would be stocking all bathrooms on campus with what they call “Planck length ply” toilet paper. First proposed in 1899 by German physicist Max Planck, the Planck length represents the smallest length that is possible under the known laws of quantum mechanics. Dr. Carrot’s announcement comes at a time of significant budget cuts to nearly all University departments as the University and other schools see decreasing enrollment across the board.

“It really has been an astonishing discovery, and the implementation of it has been truly remarkable,” said Assistant Professor James Lange. “I mean, up until recently the idea of the Planck length being expressed in any meaningful physical form was just theoretical, but now we’ve been able to create single millimeter, single molecule, and single atom ply toilet paper. And now we’ve created the thinnest toilet paper that mankind could possibly conceive of.”

Other higher-ups in the department also praised the discovery of “Planck length ply” toilet paper, with one adjunct professor telling us:

“This discovery, and the mass production of this new invention, has the potential to save our department twenty, maybe even thirty cents a year. Will our butts itch and our hemorrhoids worsen? It’s very likely, yes. But that is a small price to pay for not only huge economic savings but also the advancement of mankind.”

However, not everyone in the department is as excited about the new toilet paper. We caught up with one TA, who wished to remain anonymous, coming out of the bathroom. His eyes were completely glazed over and his stare seemed to be a thousand yards long. When asked about his thoughts on the new toilet paper he said:

“Do we not see the danger… in what we’re doing here? The problem with the scientific power we’re using here is that it didn’t require any discipline to attain it. We read what others had done and took the next step. We didn’t earn the knowledge ourselves so therefore we don’t take any responsibility for it. We stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as we could and now we’re selling it. Our scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

We here at The Doily Allergen have tried the new toilet paper and we will be writing a strongly worded email to Dr. Carrot about our horrifying experience. To everyone who needs to shit on campus in the coming weeks: call your family, call your kids, and may God rest our souls.