UI College Republicans Denounce “Woke” Spanish Language; “Too Many Pronouns”

The University of Iowa College Republicans announced their latest policy campaign this week, taking to social media to announce their new movement against something they view as a threat to American family values: the Spanish language.

“First, the woke elite tells us to use the pronouns ‘they/them.’ Now, they’re demanding we use ‘él, ella, ellos AND ellas?’” the organization wrote in an Instagram statement. “This assault on our Judeo-Christian society has gone too far.”

Luke Harrington, the current president of College Republicans, told the Doily Allergen that his attention was first called to this issue while starting Elementary Spanish I this semester. He signed up for the class to fulfill his degree’s foreign language requirement, and also perhaps to help impress the waitress while ordering at Cactus. The class was going well for him until his professor introduced subject pronouns—the Spanish language has twelve.

“When the professor passed out the Spanish pronouns chart, my head began to spin,” Harrington said. “I immediately left the classroom and threw up. Truth be told, I haven’t been back since.”

Harrington introduced this problem to members of College Republicans at the organization’s weekly meeting last Wednesday.

“How many of you know Spanish?” he asked the room. No one raised their hand.

Harrington unfolded his copy of the class’ pronouns sheet and passed it around for the members to view, prompting gasps and murmurs.

“It’s disgusting that our tax dollars are funding this liberal garbage,” Harrington said. “Children in public schools are being brainwashed into memorizing the difference between ‘vosotros’ and ‘ustedes’ when they should be learning about American history and the morals our country was founded on.”

When asked what exactly those morals were, Harrington declined to comment.

Members of the organization agreed that action should be taken.

“Maybe pronouns are part of their culture in places that speak Spanish, like Brazil or Fiji,” said member Lindsay West. “But here in America it shouldn’t be forced on our children.”

College Republicans immediately voted to organize a campaign to ban the teaching of Spanish at the University of Iowa. Members have written letters to the Board of Regents and chalked campus sidewalks with slogans like “2 genders, 2 pronouns” and “Spanish = Socialism.” The organization has yet to hear a response from University officials.

When asked to comment, Dana Alvarez, assistant professor of Spanish who currently teaches Elementary Spanish I, simply stated, “If Mr. Harrington is struggling with remembering his subject pronouns, I recommend he visit my office hours on Wednesdays from 2-3 pm. Flashcards are also a great way to improve memorization.”