UI Children’s Hospital Cut To Save Men’s Tennis Program

In an attempt to stay afloat during the economic challenge created by COVID-19, the University of Iowa announced today their plans to cut funding to the Stead Family Children’s Hospital and relocate funds to saving the men’s tennis program.

“We know that many people will be disheartened by this news,” said UI spokesperson Manuel Paulson, “but we simply cannot afford to fund both life-saving treatments for children with cancer and four men hitting a ball back and forth for half an hour. The money is simply not there.”

When members of the press questioned where the raise for the football program’s coaches came from, Paulson responded by repeating their questions in a condescending, high-pitched voice, before going on to his next talking point.

“For many years, proud students have joined Dance Marathon and done extraordinary work #ForTheKids. Regrettably, it is time to #ForgetTheKids, and focus on the new and revitalized future of the men’s tennis program. This campaign works twice as well because we don’t have to spend a cent on rebranding or reprinting signs!”

As some reporters on scene began to get visibly angry, Paulson was seen fleeing the stage and retreating to a gold-coated bunker reading, “UI Faculty Only”.