UI Appeals to Midwestern Ideals by Offering E-corn-omics Major

In many aspects, the University of Iowa can be considered a very prestigious university. Its creative writing program has been ranked #2 in the country, as well as #9 for its nursing program and #35 for public universities overall. It also recently earned the honor of being named #1 in the production of credible sources, or at least that’s what my roommate’s friend’s dog sitter said. Many scholars have graduated from here and gone on to write acclaimed novels and invent such advancements as the kaleidoscope and the wheel. Although all of these accomplishments are certainly impressive, many locals argue that skills such as writing and science go against the ideals that the state of Iowa stands for. After all, how’s your secondary education degree going to help you when tornado season comes around? Why study modern politics when you could already be looking forward to the next caucus? All your fancy-schmancy college experience might be good for your resume, but some old-fashioned Iowa values are good for your soul. That is why, starting next year, UI will be introducing their new major in E-corn-omics: the economy of corn.

Since this major is still in its infancy regarding the specifics of what a degree in the field will entail, we’ve only received word from a few of our new professors of what we have to expect. Our only confirmed courses so far are:

• ECORN:2480:0001 The Crop-erties of E-corn-omics;

• ECORN:3220:0010 Grain-taining Iowan Principles;

• ECORN:2290:0100/HIST:3878:0550 The A-maize-ing History of Corn, and;

• ECORN:1111:1111 E-corn-omics for Dumb-Ass Art Majors

The professors for each of these courses were hand-picked for their passionate drive to teach young adults about the importance of corn, or as they like to call it, im-corn-tance (I’ve heard some corny puns in my day, but this is ridiculous). Some of them have even attested to being farmers in past lives. One prospective professor came into his interview in overalls and straw protruding from his mouth, saying that he would have the driver’s manual for his John Deere tractor be required reading. Naturally, he was hired on the spot.

Now, an outsider looking in might assume that there wouldn’t be enough material surrounding this particular topic to warrant the number of courses required to establish a major. This is obviously an unfounded and idiotic claim made by the dumb-dumbs that probably eat their corn cobs vertically, for as any Iowa local will be able to tell you, there’s plenty more to know about corn beneath the surface if you’re willing to shuck at it for a while. Corn is quite the valuable commodity that can be used in the feed we give chickens, the fuel we use to run our cars, and the corn syrup we put on pancakes. After the discovery that someone can charge their phone by plugging it into a potato, an Iowan scientist found a way to run power plants using nothing but corn, which has not only proved to be a great discovery in the field of renewable energy, but has also served to provide many local towns a substantial source of popcorn whenever the plant uses too much power. Most sources of energy will be rejected once they’ve been depleted or prove to be more demanding than they’re worth, yet it doesn’t seem that these concerns will be an issue for corn, so it’d be useful to learn about it now before it becomes a greater staple of our culture and you find yourself behind the times.

Considering all of the buzz surrounding this exciting return to the foundations of Iowan culture, I’m sure that every incoming student, regardless of the state they originate from, will be thrilled to find their calling in the E-corn-omics department. Speaking as someone who recently changed their major to E-corn-omics, I can safely say that I’ve never been more hopeful for my future than I am now that I have such a relevant and benefactory field to call my own. My parents, who used to worry incessantly that I wouldn’t be able to find a good job after college, were relieved to learn that I had chosen a worthier study that’ll surely have endless career opportunities attached to it. It’s true what they say: some things come, some things go, but corn carries on through the ages. If you currently feel as though your life is aimless and everything you’re doing is amounting to nothing, might I suggest you take up the fruitful promise of E-corn-omics? Here, you’ll find that the corn truly is yellower on the other side.