UI Administrators Wake Up After Week Long Layoff Bender

Stating that they “hadn’t hit it this hard since the 2008 recession” University of Iowa administrators woke up disoriented and with a monster headache after going on a week long Liberal Arts layoff bender.

“Holy shit, how many middle-lower income instructors did we can last night?” said Chief Human Resources Officer Cheryl Reardon. “Last thing I remember we were all in a budgetary meeting, then Bruce goes and orders a round of English department layoffs…Jesus. Those instructional-track faculty members really sneak up on ya. I don’t even want to know how much money we took out of the endowment fund for this. I might need to fire one or two more History adjuncts just to get rid of the headache, little hair of the dog, ya know? And—oh my God—who’s fucking purse is this?”

Reardon then got a text message from UI Financial Officer Terry Johnson that read “Dude, there are termination notices scattered ALL OVER the office. Linda is still passed out half-naked on a pile of severance pay. Last night was fucking wild haha.”

Neither Johnson or Reardon could remember whose idea it was to continue firing strong, passionate Liberal Arts professors after they’d already done 12, but both seemed to recall someone jumping up onto the boardroom table and shouting “The night’s still young, I got plenty of I-22 forms and back at my pace *burp* let’s go!”