UI Admin Pleads Melissa Shivers To Attend Friendsgiving To Look Like They Still Have "Cool" Friends

Amid concerns that the event would be a “total square-fest,” UI administrators pleaded with former Student Life VP Melissa Shivers to attend their Friendsgiving so it looked like they still had “cool” friends.

“Listen. I know we’ve had our differences, but this year’s RSVP list for the UI admin Friendsgiving is…well. You know exactly what it is,” said Bruce Harreld. “You don’t have to stay long. Bring some cranberry sauce or whatever, get in there for the group Instagram photo and you’ll be done. You were undoubtedly the coolest friend we had. Please, we can’t afford to have this thing looking like a Senate meeting.”

Other UI officials said their own presence would fail to add that in-step, “with the times” feel they’ve been hoping to achieve.

“When Melissa left, it was a huge blow to our friend group’s it-factor,” Terry Johnson said. “The Halloween party just wasn’t that cool. Everyone was dancing like a dweeb, and now our Friendsgiving is going to look real uppity with the current roster.”

Shivers did not respond for comment, but Ohio State administrators said their own Friendsgiving would look “fresh as hell” if Melissa showed up.