Turf War Arises Between Pride Alliance Center and ROTC

When traveling down Grand Avenue, you might come across the Pride Alliance Center and the South Quadrangle – two households, both alike in dignity. One provides resources for LGBTQ+ students and the other is a meeting ground for university army recruits. On the surface, you’d assume that they’re completely different establishments with contradictory attitudes. Under the surface, though… yeah, your first assumption was probably the correct one. Thus, tensions have begun to brew amongst the two, for even though they’ve been able to put aside their opposing views for the sake of being tolerable neighbors, one issue still stands: who gets to use the basketball court?

This dispute first began several months ago when two ROTC members and two frequents of the Pride Alliance Center approached the basketball court at the same time, each with the intention of playing a 1-on-1 game. Both duos insisted that the court was their space and that they called dibs on the court first, with one tattletale going as far as to threaten calling President Wilson and asking her to kick the other group out. Once everyone had grew tired of arguing, they decided to settle their disagreement with, naturally, a soccer match. Since no one had a soccer ball on hand, though, they settled on playing basketball instead.

Unsurprisingly, the game didn’t go all too well. Unbeknownst to the teams going in, Pride basketball and ROTC basketball have ever-so-slightly different rules that weren’t very evident at first, yet led to many technicalities that sparked many squabbles. Before either team even had the chance to score, the players had already resorted to slap fights, noogies, and wet willies. One particularly tall member of Team Pride spent five minutes of the game holding the ball over their head and fending off Team ROTC, who continuously screamed about how the other team was cheating. The struggle grew loud and wild enough that bystanders came to behold the scene and inquire as to what the hell was going on. The teams each responded with a clear and concise, “they started it,” which was enough for the crowd to start choosing sides. Soon, two armies had formed and prepared for the Battle of the Basketballs.

The name was a little misleading, actually, because there weren’t any basketballs involved in the battle. The fighting didn’t even take place on the court, lest either side damage the beautiful ode to baskets and balls. Instead, the fight started at the bicycle lot, which both sides agreed would lead to a lot less property damage and injuries. Soon, the battle commenced, with gunfire (from Nerf guns, as per school guidelines) raining down from the heavens. While the ROTC members had the tactical advantage from their army training, the Pride members were able to power walk their way around the bullets like queer Keanu Reeveses. By hour 3, it was clear that not much was being accomplished, and both teams were beginning to wonder if this was all just a waste of time. The only true casualties that day were, I’m sad to say, several of the bicycles that were caught in the crossfire. Their funerals will be held in the main entrance of Slater on September 30 at 6:30 pm. My condolences go out to those impacted by the loss who now have to try and figure out the bus system. Rest in pieces, sweet children.

Once the gravity of the situation began to dawn on both sides of just how much damage had been caused by their hostility, a mutual agreement was formed to cease any further feuding. From that point on, it was agreed upon that the basketball court would be reserved on a first-come-first-serve basis, which it technically already was, but now it was more official since they’d shaken on it. In the coming weeks, both sides of the court regarded the other with a solemn form of respect that one can only find on the ruthless fields of war. They were far from calling one another friends, but a bond had formed nonetheless. Nowadays, the ROTC mostly use the court because, as it turns out, most gay people aren’t even that invested in sports – case in point, the person writing this. Lessons were definitely learned that day, though, and it’s safe to say that it will never truly be forgotten. For never was there a story of more woe, than this of the Pride House and the ROTC Co.