Trash Collection Made Twice as Loud Just for the Hell of It

To the woe of many a dorm resident eagerly opening their windows in the evening, hoping to pass a quiet night in the cool, fresh air of spring, the University of Iowa has announced that its trash collection services will now be made twice as loud, just for the hell of it.

Long have residents already suffered the ear-splitting clanks and shrieks of the garbage trucks. Sources claim they often begin even before 7:00 a.m., and can be at a single residence hall until as late as 8:00. No one can explain why garbage collection must occur when most students are still asleep, nor why it must take so long, nor why it must shatter every window and rupture every eardrum within half a mile.

Yet, per this new policy, the hideous noises will soon be between 200 and 250 percent louder than previous, and potentially take up to five hours to complete. Garbage trucks will now arrive at each dorm at 4:00 a.m. and leave around 9:00.

So to any aspiring window-openers, excited to experience a lovely, fresh morning breeze for the first time in months: Good luck! You may want to start going to bed as soon as the sun sets and buy a pair of military-grade ear muffs.