Tory Taylor Drafted to Australian Football League: Forgot What Australian Football Is

Hawkeye football’s top kicker, Tory Taylor, is in his senior year here at Iowa, and many have been eagerly waiting to see which NFL team he will be continuing on to after his three seasons in college football. Instead, fans were shocked when at his most recent press conference, Taylor announced that he would be heading home to his native country of Australia and playing for the Melbourne Football Club next year in the Australian Football League.

However, as reporters began to ask what his background in soccer is, Taylor grew just as confused as his audience. “It’s football, mate,” he reportedly insisted, “same as here.”

Eventually, one of his teammates had to pull up a Google search showing him that the sport “football” is in fact an entirely different game to Americans and Australians. Taylor was devastated.

The press conference quickly shifted gears as everyone wondered how a man who grew up in Australia could possibly have forgotten that football is not the same thing there as it is here. Taylor explained that he had been hit in the head with an American football during his first week on the Hawkeyes team, and the resulting concussion had left him with severe memory loss, but only in the area of Australian pop culture and dialects.

“Last time I visited home, my dad asked me to help throw some shrimp on the barbie, and I didn’t know what he was talking about,” Taylor tearfully told reporters. “He said he didn’t even recognize me anymore!”

In light of the amnesia causing this unfortunate mistake, the Melbourne Football Club was asked to make a statement about if they would be canceling their contract with Taylor for the 2024 season.

“Hell no,” their media manager has said. “He can still kick a ball, can’t he? He’s way too famous for us to just let him go, we’ll just teach him as we go.”

However, some of the other teams in the Australian Football League argue that Melbourne cannot force Taylor to carry out his end of the contract when he was signing without accurate knowledge of the job. Melbourne Football Club claims the other teams are simply scared of how good Taylor will be once he’s had a few clarifying lessons.

If fans of Tory Taylor still want to follow along on his journey to an entirely different sport, they can download the G’Day streaming service and watch his games live with the 16 hour time difference for $42 a month.