Top 5 Best Pentacrest Buildings
In No Particular Order
Since the dawn of time (or, like, 1920, whenever they built Jessup) people have thought, “What are the Top 5 Best Pentacrest Buildings? Oh, good merciful God, please tell us the Top 5 Best Pentacrest Buildings! It doesn’t need to be in any particular order, I just can’t narrow it down to five!” Well, good citizens, we at Doily will be acting as God today, because here’s one writer’s Top 5 Best Pentacrest Buildings (in no particular order)
1. Old Capitol: Cool but I don't like the Iowan flag much and the golden dome reminds me of Mormon temples. When I look up “old capitol” Google autofills “old capitol mall” first, so it’s weird that Ol’ Cap here is the only one with a Wikipedia page. The Old Capitol has two purposes: (1) look good on tours and (2) remind of how Iowa City failed to keep the state capital, kind of like how my father failed to keep my mother. Remember that.
2. Macbride Hall: Macbride is a hall of ghouls. Those extinct animals want my soul. The building is always dark, the bathrooms are too nice, and I know that that weird door leads to other lands. I’ve never gone into the museum because it has negative auras and my yogi has advised me against it. There are human heads on the building. Human heads! Like gargoyles at the watch! Back, beasts of Macbride! Your stone shells shall find no purchase in my soul!
3. MacLean Hall: Nerd building for nerds. They even have nerd names on the stone. Fuckin’ losers. All of their hallways look the same. Even the name screams for attention (Macbride doesn’t need to capitalize the “B”! Symptom of a childhood with too little attention from an absent mother, I’d imagine). That stone entryway from the walkway no one uses is cool, I guess. If you're a nerd.
4. Schafer (Shaeffer? Schaefer? I give up, man. The other one that isn’t Jessup): This building is an enigma. When I first entered this building I felt like I was in an MC Escher painting. Something about the spiral staircases feels fucked up. There's a door to the outside on the second floor. You can tell this building was designed for humanities students because its railings are fucking obnoxious.
5. Jessup Hall: Jessup is wheelchair accessible. Jessup has classrooms. Better than the nerd building, I guess. They have the same unremarkable layout. I can’t for the life of me figure out what this building is for. (Edit: I have descended into the bowels of this place like Dante into Hell. The halls keep going down. “Jessup” backwards is “Pussej”, and I haven’t figured out what language that means “Devil” in but I’m working on it. Barb is hunting me. If I never make it out, find my absent parents and tell them I love them.)
Anyways, that’s our Top 5 Best Pentacrest Buildings! Do drop a like if you enjoyed (this is a command) and check back next week for Top 10 University Dorms (also not in any particular order. We’re not big on orders around here.) Have a Pent-astic day!
Honorable Mention: Calvin Hall was once on the Pentacrest, and if you look at who wrote this article you’ll figure out why I’m mad.
