This May Be Controversial, But We’re Banning Trump From Our Website

On January 6th, 2021, Americans witnessed an unprecedented attack on the U.S Capitol. Trump supporters, egged on by the President himself, stormed the U.S Capitol in an attempt to overturn the election certification that would have certified Trump’s loss of the 2020 Presidential election. In the days and weeks after that attack, many social media platforms including Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Shopify permanently banned the former president from having accounts on their sites. Well, we here at the Doily Allergen have been talking it over and we agree with these companies. And we felt like we had to do something to stop the ongoing pain and division in our country. So as of today, we have made the difficult decision to ban Donald Trump from our website.

This decision did not come easy, but as one of the country’s key media outlets, we feel as though this is the right thing to do to protect our readers and to protect America from further violence and further division. We understand many of you might be upset, and you may feel that the Doily Allergen is censoring free speech. And we’re here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. We fucking love free speech! Say whatever you want, we couldn’t care less. Insult our mothers, say mean things about our nipples, talk about our weird mid-western accents. Go for it! We ain’t no pussies, we’re comedy writers! We believe everyone has the right to say whatever they want on the internet, except when it causes an armed insurrection of the federal government, and you may quote us on that.

So no more Donald Trump, you hear? We mean it. We’re putting our foot down! We’re gonna be on the lookout for anyone on our site that even remotely resembles Donald Trump. So no more straight white males in their upper 70s with “blonde” “hair” and big ol’ dump truck asses. We know that’s like 50% of our audience right there, but better safe than sorry!

We know some of you might be mad at us, but it’s just that, to be honest, we weren’t really huge fans of that armed insurrection at the Capitol. It just didn’t totally vibe with our values as a website. Usually, we’re all about big stories like this, because it means that we get to crawl out of our caves and fulfill our passion for enterprise journalism. But that whole thing at the Capitol was just totally uncool, at least in our opinion. So we’re sorry Donny, but you’re banned! See you on Parler.