There’s No “I” in “MLK Day,” But There Should Be, Because Then It Could Be “MILK Day”

On our day before classes, most students will probably find themselves forgetting the reason for the season. I mean, with all of the move-in stress and futile attempts to avoid frostbite, who has time to pay mind to civil rights activist and the de-segregator of water fountains, Martin Lartin King Jr?

Just like Anne Hathaway, MLK dreamed a dream in time gone by that all men and women––but not nonbinary people, since they didn’t exist yet––could be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin. According to Wikipedia, he also slapped a Klansman and pissed on Ronald Reagan. Neato!

Aside from ending slavery or whatever, what else can we celebrate MLK for? Malcolm X, John Lewis, Rosa Parks, and every other prominent civil rights activist never got their own holidays, so there must be a reason why our buddy Martin gets special treatment. I’m not saying we should get rid of MLK Day, I just think that, in order to make the holiday more memorable, we should add a fun twist to it.

Here’s my suggestion: let’s take the “I” out of “desegregation” and add it to MLK Day! Then, instead of having a boring day of reverence for an important historical figure, we’ll have ourselves a good, old-fashioned MILK Day!!!

Think about it: just like people, milk comes in different colors and flavors. All milks are equal in their ability to quench thirst, but different types of milk have varying degrees of nutritional value, which is why we should advocate for equity rather than merely equality. All milks can’t matter until chocolate milks matter.

Sure, chocolate milk is objectively less healthy than white milk, but before you cancel me, consider this… I drink chocolate milk more than I do whole milk. Don’t be so Nesquick to judgment, my child.

Also, consider where people most often consume milk. Cereal! And what could be more surreal than ending racism??? That joke sounded better in my head.

Plus, milk comes from titties, right? And everybody, no matter the color of their skin, loves them some fat titties. If MLK wasn’t always wearing those suits, I’m sure he’d be rocking some big knockers that could leave any racist congressman shaking in their boots. After all, why segregate when you can lactate?

In short, I think celebrating the Civil Rights Act of 1964 through the medium of dairy products is a great idea and should be implemented in schools across the country. Whenever someone asks you if you’ve “got milk?”, you can tell them, “yes, because I think racism is bad.”

I’m Hilary Clinton, and I approve this message.