The Doily Allergen Explains The City Council’s Freedom Riders Resolution

You may have heard about the resolution passed by Iowa City’s City Council in response to the Freedom Riders protests, but do you know enough about it to arrogantly spout off your opinion on it at a bar or family gathering? The Doily Allergen is here to answer the tough questions and explain key ideas in the City Council’s most recent, and quite possibly only, attempt at racial justice.

Will the Iowa City Police be demilitarized?

Yes, as soon as the Fire Department gives up their massive, 2.8 million dollar water balloon and military-grade super soakers. Fair is fair, boys.

What will the city be doing to improve racial diversity in its departments?

All city employees will be required to marry a minority and bring them to the annual Christmas party.

How will the ICPD be restructured?

The Iowa City Police will be rectifying issues in their department by standing outside the precinct building and shooting at it.

Does the City Council have the power to implement community policing programs that utilize unarmed responders?

Yes, but no one knows how the button works yet.

Will all charges against protesters be dropped?

The City Council strongly recommended the Johnson County Attorney’s office drop all charges related to the protests. In response, the Johnson County Attorney’s office strongly recommended the use of tear gas to disperse City Council members.

Did the council meet all 17 demands of the Iowa Freedom Riders?

They decided to take action on only the even numbered demands. Bruce Teague has this super weird thing with odd numbers.

Is there any mention of Capri Sun in the resolution?

No. Unfortunately, City Council members shirked once again on their duty to outline a clear and robust plan to provide all Iowa City residents with America’s favorite pouched-based summer beverage. With no artificial colors or flavorings, Capri Sun is a healthy and refreshing juice concentrate that’s perfect for picnics, school lunches, hikes, and pool dates. Everyone loves it, so it’s very frustrating to see Iowa City leadership fail to even mention the delicious drink in their proposal.