The Doily Allergen Endorses Barbara Wilson for President of the United States

Fuck You, Independent Voters.

Since rumors that the state of Iowa may turn blue after all the votes are counted for the 2024 Presidental Election have arisen, one question has been on EVERYBODY’S mind:

“Who is The Doily Allergen going to endorse???”

According to our sources, The Doily Allergen’s mailroom has allegedly begun to overflow with letters, requests, and death threats regarding the potential endorsements. People have also been spotted protesting outside of the The Doily Allergen’s headquarters, urging the newspaper to release an official endorsement for a candidate.

Despite this, The Doily Allergen held their ground until this afternoon. The oldest, most prestigious, and most trusted newspaper west of the Mississippi decided to take an unexpected turn: They have released a statement officially endorsing University of Iowa President Barbara Wilson for President of the United States.

Milliseconds after the release of the statement, Iowa City descended into chaos: Crime rates soared, dozens of car accidents occured, and two planes flew into the Chauncey building.

We reached out to The Doily Allergen to figure out the reasoning behind their endorsement, but they refused to speak with our correspondent, promptly telling them to “Go fuck yourself.” How curious.

Okay but for real:

In the midst of such a contentious election, many Iowans are incapable of thinking critically for themselves, instead requiring a media source to tell them who to vote for.

It seems that neither candidate is perfect. We spoke with Independent, unbiased voter Closeted Trumpvoter, who still, less than one day before election day, hasn’t chosen who they will cast their vote for. We asked Independent voter Trumpvoter what pros and cons they see in each candidate are.

“Well,” Independent voter Trumpvoter started, “although Trump has 34 felony convictions, incited an insurrection, denied the existence of a global pandemic, tore apart thousands of immigrant families, sexualy assaulted who-knows-how-many women, refused to concede in 2020, demonized people of color, requested ‘the kind of generals that Hitler had,’ praised Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, exchanged countless secret letters with Kim Jong Un, encouraged his supporters to hang his Vice President who chose country over party, restricted transgender Americans from enlisting in the military with a tweet, appointed the judges who repealed Roe v. Wade, and has essentially promised the Fourth Reich with Project 2025 (which he’s totally not affiliated with at all), I like his tariff plan.”

“And what about Harris?” we said.

“I just don’t think Kamala has done enough against attacks on women’s healthcare,” Independent voter Trumpvoter said.

“You never stopped to think who is doing the attacking?”

“It’s just that she's had four years, you know? That’s why I think I’m leaning red.”

“Don’t you think there’s a bit of a double standard here? Trump has done all these horrible things, but Harris isn’t flawless due to factors out of her control, therefore you want to vote for Trump. Perhaps you’re too ashamed to admit you’re a Trump supporter?”

“Maybe you should be less biased and woke.”

“Have you voted yet?”

“No. Why?”

“Election Day is tomorrow.”

“Oh shoot! Really? I didn’t realize. Jeez, tomorrow’s kinda a bad day. My schedules pretty full. I don’t know if I can make it.”

We ended the interview there.

So, what is causing Iowa to potentially lean blue? Who is voting for Harris that previously voted for Trump? The answer: men.

That’s right. The male voters seemed to realize that if Trump wins, pornography would be banned, the men who hate to wear condoms would have dozens of babies because women could no longer get abortions or have access to contraceptives, they could no longer fetishize transgender people because they’d be forced to detransition or would have committed suicide, and grocery prices would skyrocket due to Trump’s tariffs (because that’s apparently the most dire issue in this election to everybody).

All that and it’s still a close election.

Who gives a shit who a newspaper endorses? If you’re unsure of who to vote for tomorrow, how about you set your subconscious bigotry and insecure masculinity aside and vote for the candidate who isn’t the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler?

How can any man call himself a heterosexual and be brave enough to say, “I voted for Donald Trump”? That is the most effective form of birth control. How can anybody—when the lives of millions of queer and immigrant Americans are on the line—say they’d rather pay ten cents less at the gas pump?

Voting for Donald Trump doesn’t make you a Nazi or a Klan member, but remember that all Nazis and Klan members vote for Trump.

It is a privilege to be an Independent. While you get to pick whether you’d rather have slightly higher grocery prices or less minorities in your neighborhood, the people whose human rights are at stake don’t get that choice.

This should not be a close election. Don’t let some media source make the decision for you, just think critically for a second. The choice is obvious.

Editor’s Note: GO FUCKING VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!