The Daily Iowan Wins Another Award, But We Can Swear, So Who’s Really Winning?

The Daily Iowan, an independent newspaper associated with the University of Iowa, won the Iowa Newspaper Association’s award for Newspaper of the Year. Big deal. It’s great that they won the award two years in a row, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a decent news source. Sure, they’re a “professional newspaper” and an “established organization with proper funding,” and they’ve got something called “journalistic integrity,” but the Doily Allergen brings so much more to the table than that.

For one thing, while the Daily Iowan is respected throughout the state of Iowa, the Doily Allergen can swear. The capital-L Losers who work at the Daily Iowan might be winning awards left and right, but can they do this? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Beat that, punks. We have an arsenal of words that your mature fuckin’ brains can’t even print.

Also, have you ever met someone who works for the Daily Iowan? They always look like they’ve been awake and writing for three days straight, fueled only by stress and expensive cold brews. Meanwhile, we have it made. Our meetings are like an hour long and we barely need to give a shit. Someone can straight up pitch Month Week, and we’re all like, “Sure, buddy! Sounds like a fan-fucking-tastic idea to us!” So what we may lack in awards and recognition, we make up with our lack of any kind of pressure or responsibility whatsoever.

Suck on that.

And honestly, we should be a little bit suspicious of this award anyways. When we looked up “Daily Iowan award,” the first three results were from the Daily Iowan itself, and the next two were from the University of Iowa. This looks a little suspicious, because if this was a real award, we’d have to find something about it from the Iowa Newspaper Association, right? Now, we aren’t saying that the whole award is a scam created to make the Daily Iowan look better, but maybe we should consider the possibility that its staff would be willing and capable to reward themselves with a fictional prize. All we’re saying is we would never do such a terrible thing.

We wouldn’t want this award at all, come to think of it. We’d probably respectfully decline the offer and allow some greedy, popularity-hungry organization to accept it instead. We aren’t in this business for fame or recognition. We’re here to deliver the most topical, relevant news to our humble fans while retaining our ability to say “shit.” And isn’t that what real journalism is all about?

We do congratulate the Daily Iowan on this “real” award, but to be completely fair and honest, they did knock off our name a little bit, so we’ll still accept some of the credit for their achievement. But it’s not like we want it anyways. Awards are stupid, and so are newspapers that can’t swear. But good work, guys. We hope to see you win again next year, unless we pull through and steal it from you (but we can’t emphasize enough how much we really don’t care about this award and don’t want to win at all).