The Case for Capitalism? I Thought You Said the Case for Fatboy Slim!

Aw jeez, man, this is so embarrassing! See, when my boss was yelling at me over the phone about the subject of my next journalistic masterpiece, I totally misheard what was being said! In my defense, it was really hard for me to listen over the sound of my girlfriend making out with me, what with all the moaning and sloppy tongue action.

At one point I had to put the boss on speaker so I could use both hands to unclasp her bra, which made it even harder to hear what was being said. When she started screaming out, “Yes! Yes! Oh, fuck, yes!” my boss just assumed that I was really excited to write the article and hung up the call before I had the chance to ask for clarification.

So, I had this whole article prepared about British 90s DJ, Fatboy Slim, and now I have to completely discard it, and for what? Another Iowa YAF misuse of University funding and resources? Didn’t we just do this shit a month ago?

I mean, I guess it’s nice that they’re taking a break from harassing trans people, but that doesn’t mean I’m all geared up to write about capitalism topping communism or whatever. What does Ms. Yeonmi Park have that Sir Norman Quentin Cook, a.k.a. Fatboy Slim himself, doesn’t? Fatboy Slim can shout bullshit for an hour, but there’s no way Yeonmi Park could write “The Rockafeller Skank.” Right about now the funk soul brother indeed. 

It was such a good article, too! I had all of these relevant and topical references to the musical stylings of everybody’s favorite modern-day maestro. There was a hilarious joke about how I was going to celebrate him, right here, right now (1999). “Praise You”? No, my good sir, I was gonna praise YOU!

But alas, I suppose I’ll have to find a new muse, but how can I turn from the fine features of my mistress Fatboy? One doesn’t leave a fair maiden, especially one as fair as 60-year-old Norman Quentin Cook. The title of his debut album, You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby, promised triumph to his millions of fans, yet in a moment of defeat such as this, it wails as an ode to despair. 

Well if it’s a case for capitalism they want, then a case for capitalism they’ll receive! I mean, I can’t think of anything, but when I reached out to my best friend, Fatboy Slim, he told me that, “Capitalism made me a D-list celebrity and helped me buy an okay car,” so if that isn’t a good enough reason to dedicate your life to a never-ending, soul crushing pursuit towards the unattainable fantasy of the American dream, then I don’t know what is.

His agent told me to tell everyone that Fatboy Slim’s Soundcloud is “off the charts amazeballs.” You don’t have to pay for Soundcloud, though, so it’s almost like things can be done without financial incentive… wait, why is the YAF president walking towards me with a baseball bat and a burlap sack?