Texas Removes Partisan Conflict Over Masks By Imposing “Only Over Nose” Mask Mandate

As of March 2nd, Texas Governor Greg Abbott officially ended the mask-mandate in the state of Texas, and yesterday he added a slight revision. Abbott said he recognizes that COVID-19 is far from over, but knows that Texas, considering its sheer size of population and incredible conservatives within that population who are apparently immune to viruses, isn’t even remotely capable of harboring such liberal nonsense. But upon Texans complaining against the masks and Governor Abbott feeling overwhelmed with all the discourse, he finally decided on a mask mandate which requires the mask goes, “only over the nose.”

“You see, in Texas everything is bigger,” Abbott says, pulling up his pants like an old western villain and pulling his mask back up his face. “Which means that our ability to remain healthy and safe is now astronomically huge. Wearing these masks in such a way helps to keep the COVID out! I mean, it comes up through the nose anyway, and this way people can still breathe and talk.”

As he spoke, spittle was flying everywhere, but at least his nose was secured.

Several Texans have already begun wearing the mask in this way, excited by how much more convenient and nice it feels. Some claim they’ve never felt safer.

“It’s much more multi-purposeful this way,” said Sylvia Blath, an Austin resident. “The masks aren’t doing much help just sitting around my chin covering my mouth so no one can hear a damn thing I say. At least with this new mandate I can breathe and be safe from whatever COVID is still out there.” At this time Blath was not vaccinated, but said that she would, “probably get around to it in a few years, if it was still necessary.”

Local scientists in Texas cannot stop raving about how great of an idea this has been, and everyone is over the moon about being able to breathe again.