Study Shows 2-12 Study Beers Linked To Improved Midterm Performance

Midterm season is in full swing here at the University of Iowa, and students of all majors are struggling to prepare for their exams. Whether this means pulling all-nighters in a dorm, cramming flashcards before class, or writing on the whiteboards at the library to look cooler and smarter than everyone else, the student population needs to prepare. 

Meanwhile at the Doily Allergen headquarters, we have taken it upon ourselves to devise the best way to prepare for exams (thank us later). So, over the past week, we abducted three unassuming students and forced them to study with various techniques to see which one worked best for getting better grades! 

Our completely ethical and morally correct study overwhelmingly found that the best way to improve your midterm grades is to drink anywhere between 2 and 12 beers as you study! This method came highly recommended to us by business major Gabe Miller. He claimed that “six beers is basically a performance enhancing drug,” while “eleven beers gets you drunk enough to really have to focus on what you’re doing.” Thanks, Gabe! 

Our lab rats–uh, sorry, willing participants–found that Gabe’s assumptions were basically true: anywhere between two and six beers was generally linked to grades in the high 90s, while students in the six to twelve beer range scored in the upper 80s and low 90s on their exams. One student ventured so far as to drink thirteen beers before his calculus exam, but we do not recommend this, seeing as he blacked out and failed his exam by not showing up. 

Upon seeing these astounding results, we decided to take our totally-not-evil plans even further by determining whether the brand of beer had any effect on grades. To make a long story short, it generally didn’t, but if you’re looking to get more bang for your buck, Busch Light was the favorite. 

The 2-12 Beers Method also garnered more success than other methods we implemented, including your standard boring study techniques like active recall, taking notes, and showing up to class. We found that students experienced the best results with this method when they skipped all the lectures, did only one or two of the assignments, and stared at a single lecture slide while drunkenly swaying back and forth. For optimal grades, popping a Zyn or hitting the penjamin can’t hurt, either!