Study Finds UIPD Have Tiny Wieners, Balls

Much has been said about the University of Iowa’s on campus police department, but one question has been vexing students for years now: Do the members of the UIPD actually have tiny wieners/balls? We here at the Doily Allergen sent one of our own undercover to get the scoop.

Over the course of the last 3 weeks, a veteran reporter who wishes to remain anonymous discreetly rose through the ranks of the UIPD on a daring mission to “sneak a peek.” His findings were eye opening.

“All the rumors of the UIPD having micro-dicks and shrunken nuts are greatly underselling it,” says our undercover reporter. “I mean these guys have got NOTHING. Like less than a child’s pinky.”

Our reporter says his mission seemed impossible at first as most of the members of the UIPD have pubic hair so wildly untamed that they could be hiding anything underneath.

“It’s the kind that sort of blends in with the belly hair, ya know?” says our undercover reporter. “It’s just one unsightly blob of thinning fuzz. Even the ones that are balder than a baby’s ass on top are sporting a forest down there.”

Our reporter says he almost blew his cover in the group showers when his moderate package was revealed.

“I’m not exactly packing,” our reporter says. “But compared to the rest of them I’m Johnny fuckin’ Schlong. I got around it by saying I was just sexually aroused. Most of them had never heard another person tell them that and seemed to not even know what that meant, so they just went about their business.”

We submitted our findings to the Board of Directors, and they responded by doubling the department’s budget to pay for necessary “penile enhancement surgeries.”