Study: Can Bangs Fill the Hole in Your Heart?

As part of a recent assignment for Intro to Psychology, a group of students sent out a survey to really get to the bottom of this psychological urge for quarantined people to cut themselves bangs.

“Clearly there is some kind of void that social distancing creates. When there is a void, the brain seeks to fill it. At least that’s what my TA said. We just wanted to see how many people were trying bangs and if it actually works to fill that hole in your heart.” Says Kameron Greene, the sophomore in charge of the study.

The study was done through a Quadratic survey that promised student participants an entry into a drawing for a slightly used Amazon Echo. The test consisted of three questions:

1. How have you cut your hair during social distancing?

   1. Cut yourself bangs

   2. Giving yourself a “quarantine fade”

   3. Saved it off

   4. None, I have no hair. I’m actually personally offended by this quiz.

2. On a scale of one to five, how dead are you inside?

   1. With my daily trips to Wal-Mart, I get to be the same voyeur I was before.

   2. I have memorized my cat’s bathroom habits for something to do.

   3. Neutral. Maybe too neutral.

   4. Everything’s fine. We’re fine. So great. Another beer?

   5. I haven’t had the brainpower to get out of bed in three days

3. Is that number larger now that your hair is shorter?

   1. Yes.

   2. No.

   3. I don’t have hair. I’ve already told you. Just give me my goddamn Amazon Echo.

With the results tabulated, Greene’s study showed that fifty percent of the student body cut their bangs and it did make them feel something. Since the survey didn’t ask, no one knows if those feelings were positive or negative. The only outliers were the people that didn’t actually have hair to cut that seem to fill that hole with anger. Out of fear of being permanently blinded by their shiny heads, one of them was awarded the Echo.

“I think I’m going to get bangs,” Greene concluded. “Last time I cut my bangs was after a bad breakup, but since I won’t be crying and screaming along to Elliott Smith this time, I think it will turn out better. What is there to lose? No one actually needs to see me for the next month.” Greene concluded.