Studio 13 Relocates to Screening of Love Lies Bleeding Due to Construction

(Disclaimer: This was written a month and a half ago, to which it was promptly shelved because the upper echelons of the DA are silencing queer voices. Send this article to all of your friends so we can flip off the haters and support annoyingly niche topics <3)

For the past week or so, construction has been taking place downtown on Dubuque Street. Despite this, the businesses located on this street have remained open, though their revenues have undoubtedly dropped. Originally, construction was going to stay restricted to this area, but the workers got a building itch that they had to keep scratching, so rumors have risen that their road demolition will extend to the Ped Mall area as a whole.

These rumors have understandably incited some unease amongst Ped Mall business owners. How will people be able to drive to the Dandy Lion if there’s no road? What roads will drunk people stumble through on Friday nights? Where will people walking to work at seven in the morning almost get hit by buses?

One such business is the LGBTQIAP+ bar/nightclub, Studio 13, located a couple blocks away from the Dubuque Street construction site. Most of their income comes from UIowa students and 50-year olds celebrating birthdays going out on weekends to drink, dance, watch drag shows, and generally have some fun. However, with the threat of street flow limitation underway, Studio 13’s owners have begun to consider alternative venues so they won’t lose money from the construction. In a packed city, however, this has proved to be quite the challenge.

Several options for relocation were thrown out: the Pride Alliance Center, Hubbard Park, Teamo Tea, the engineering library, YAF meetings, the bridges on the Iowa River, and my uncle’s garage. Ultimately, the owners wanted to choose someplace that could still serve as a welcoming space for members of the LGBTQIA+ community, while also being accessible to straight women and guys who are drunk enough to support anything. Iowa City is a pretty liberal place, so the issue ended up being that too many places fit their criteria.

Finally, after thoroughly investigating their options, the owners found a place that would be perfect to transfer their usual attendees. Queer people were already using it as a point of congregation, and allies were going to it with a supportive attitude and fun spirit. Like any good nightclub, the lights were dark, the music was loud, and the drinks were way too expensive. The location in question? A theater screening the new film starring Kristen Stewart, Love Lies Bleeding.

In hindsight, it does seem a rather obvious decision. I mean, the only thing that makes the girls and the gays turn up more than a drag performance set to “Circus” by Britney Spears is seeing Kristen Stewart suck on a buff woman’s toes and shoot a man in the face. I tell you, nothing gets my ass shaking more than seeing Bella Swan shove her full hand up someone’s vagina. Sure, some of the content might be “gross,” but watching Ed Harris eat a beetle like a grape has got nothing on the type of shit you’d find in an average bar’s bathroom. And hey, theater ushers already have a hell of a time cleaning up after screenings, so at least this way they’ll get some tips.

Honestly, this decision on behalf of Studio 13 might do wonders in ushering in the new era of theatergoing that Nicole Kidman always dreamed of. Nowadays, the only movies that allow girliepops to dress like sluts and shout lyrics to songs they don’t know are Rocky Horror Picture Show and Barbie, truly two of our greatest cultural milestones. Now, imagine that every moviegoing experience could be like seeing those films. Wouldn’t the world become a better place? Private screenings aren’t enough, I should be able to turn any given Sunday matinee into a full-blown rave whenever I feel the need to.

So, have fun in Studio 13’s normal location while you can, but be ready to switch over to a theater playing Love Lies Bleeding if the construction rumors reveal themselves to be true. I will almost certainly be there, so if you see someone yelling and throwing their panties at the screen whenever Kristen Stewart appears, please refrain from reporting me to the front desk. I can’t get removed from another theater, not before Sonic the Hedgehog 3 comes out.