Student Spotlight: This Little Shit Kicked My Ass At Tetherball

It was a day just like any other. I was walking through an elementary school playground, as I often do, when I heard some kids yelling from across the yard.

“Oh man, he just absolutely wrecked you, my guy, RIP my dude, press F to pay respects,”

Curious, I walked over to see what all the commotion was about when I spotted a group of young boys playing a game of tetherball. I had played tetherball when I was a kid, but I eventually lost interest in the game. I had no idea it was still being played by the youth of today. Seeing that ball, and the string, and the pole, brought back so many wonderful memories that had been locked away for so long.

I realized then that I had gotten lost in the monotony of college life. I was the boring-ass adult that I’d always feared becoming, and yet the one that seems an inevitable fate for us all. But no more, I was going to break the cycle, I was going to reclaim my youth and sense of child-like wonder, I was going to be bold and go forth with a new sense of purpose in my life… I was going to play some goddamn tetherball.

With my newfound purpose in mind, I approached the children and introduced myself.

“Hey, kids, how’s it going?” I asked.

“The fuck do you want, old man?” one of the kids replied. He was a chunky boy who seemed to be the ringleader of the group.

“I see you guys are playing some tetherball, mind if I join?”

“What would a stockholm gingerbread soyboy looking ass like you know about tetherball?” sneered one of the boys. I didn’t even know what half of those words meant, but he seemed to be the sidekick of the ringleader boy, and had perfectly identified the very fear I was attempting to avoid. I had to convince them to let me play, or else my entire life would be reduced to having a stable paycheck and a loving family! I couldn’t let that happen. “I used to play a bit of the old t-ball back in my day. How about we play a couple rounds? Me versus you,” I said pointing to the ringleader.

“What’s in it for us?” asked the ringleader. I knew I had to make an offer so enticing that a group of 11-year-olds couldn’t help but accept. I had to think. What do 11-year-old boys like?

“If you win, I’ll give you one of my limited edition Bored Ape Yacht Club NFTs,” I said. The boys jumped up and down in excitement. What was I doing? That NFT was worth nearly $200 million dollars, was I really about to give it up just for a chance of reliving my glory days and reclaiming some semblance of my former- “You’re on, set ‘em up boys,” the ringleader shouted. The boys sprang into action, forming a circle around the pole and singing a battle hymn. I hardly had time to think. I guess this was happening. Butterflies danced in my stomach, I felt terrified, nervous, but most of all… I felt alive. I took a deep breath, removed my Attack On Titan hoodie, and got into position on one side of the pole, while the ringleader boy stood opposite me. He held the ball tightly in his grubby little hands, while his eyes pierced my very soul. The ringleader boy held the ball in his hands and said:

“I’ll serve, first to two wins, got it?”

“Got-” But before I even knew what was happening, the ball was whizzing through the air. The ball flew around the pole so quickly I couldn’t keep my eye on it. Before I knew it, the ball was wrapped around the pole, and the first point went to him.

“One-zero, your serve,” said the sidekick boy with a smile as he tossed the ball over to me. They were all laughing at me. Yeah haha, laugh at the sad old man just trying to fit in. I’d show them, I’d show them all! I tossed the ball up into the air and hit it as hard as I could. I watched it fly through the air as it passed over the ringleader’s head. This was it! I was about to win, I was about to finally feel like I did when I was a-

SMACK. The volleyball slammed into the side of my face, blurring my vision and shattering my glasses in the process. What just happened!? I looked at the pole again, and to my horror, the ball was once again wrapped around it. 2-0, game, set, match. As I laid there on the pavement, contemplating my life choices, the boys Fortnite-dancing over my corpse, I remembered why I stopped playing tetherball in the first place.

“Too easy, alright old man, we’ve sufficiently kicked your ass, we’ll add you on Discord so you can send us our NFT. Have fun trying to reclaim your shell of a life.” And just like that, they were gone, leaving me sobbing on the pavement in a pit of despair.

I learned my lesson that day, time relentlessly marches forward with no regard to humans or our thoughts and desires. It was foolish to think that I could reclaim my youth in a game of tetherball, just like it was foolish for those kids to trust sending NFTs over Discord. I emptied each and every one of their crypto wallets by the end of that week. But in the end, they got the last laugh.