Student Spotlight: The One Guy Who Always Takes The Big Tables
There is nothing worse than waiting in line for 15 minutes for mysterious-smelling orange chicken and stale vegan brownies, only for your friend group to be “table cucked” by an unsociable fellow who decided to claim the last big table for himself. Many fellow students are condemned to do the walk of shame to the only other available seating within the dining hall: the sad, lonely counter tables—where everyone chews their overpriced gruel in a pitiful, swallowed silence.
We at the Doily Allergen have identified and approached one treacherous usurper: a sophomore Econ major named Travis Leech. We chased him down during a busy 6:30pm rush in an effort to understand this cruel beast and comprehend his otherworldly machinations.
DA: There are plenty of smaller tables open to you. Why must you take the big ones and forsake large groups of friends?
TL: Supply and demand, my friend. I have leases and rental contracts with many friend groups across campus. If you want to sit and enjoy a meal with your chosen company, you pay me— simple as. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
DA: Is there something about the appropriately sized tables that drives you away?
TL: Duh, Lmao. Why would I settle for a shitty Kia Soul when I can have a Lambo? I take whatever space I want. I have no obligations to follow the rules of you sheep. Once you get a taste of this life, you never wanna go back.
DA: Are you saving this table for anyone? You got a lot of room if this is a table for one.
TL: ‘Anyone’? Is that some foreign name? Never heard of them. But no, they cannot have this table. Tell them to grab a number and get in line.
DA: No matter how long we wait for a table to open up, it never does. Do you even leave to go home at night?
TL: Why would I ever leave? This is paradise. This is my throne. Catlett Dining associates even give me dirty aprons as blankets after close. Unlike you beta males, I never stop my hustling.
DA: Do people approach you and ask if you can move? How do you respond?
TL: They try sometimes. I make an example out of them though. I simply grab their tray of slop and eat it in front of them as a tribute. It works most of the time. Sometimes a weirdo will grab more and try to feed me like a caged zoo animal.
It seems like our dining halls will be plagued by these table tyrants for the foreseeable future. May Herky watch over the poor souls stuck eating at the sad, lonely counters.
