Student Spotlight: The Kid In Your Lecture With The Black Plague

They’re not even masking!

The cold weather has brought another bout of mysterious illnesses to Iowa City. It seems like everyone these days has the sniffles or a sore throat, but there’s always that one person in your lecture who has it worse than everyone else: they have a crunchy cough, are passing out in front of you, and are sniffing so much that you’re starting to question how much phlegm a person can have. But hey, good on them for showing up. 

Here at Doily, we set out to find answers in the name of honest American journalism. Here’s a truth bomb for you: the kid in your lecture who’s on the verge of death actually has the black plague! 

We spoke with Yersinia Pestis—this medical mystery: 

DA: So you have the plague. What makes you come to class every day? 

YP: Yeah, attendance is mandatory under penalty of death, so I don’t really have a choice. 

DA: Right. Have you considered wearing a mask to…you know, not spread the black plague? 

YP: Why would I do that? If I have to suffer, so should you. 

DA: Cool. Where do you think you contracted this disease? 

YP: Well, I got super sick after I went to Summit. I thought it was just a regular hangover, but kept getting worse, so… 

DA: Typical. 

You heard it here first, folks! Better start avoiding the bars like…well, the plague. Start stocking up on antibiotics and plague masks now before it’s too late!