Student Spotlight: Kid Whose Jean Cuffs are Full of Slush

The end of winter is approaching, which every midwesterner knows is the beginning of slush season. As part of a university research trial on seasonal changes to the brain, we at the Doily Allergen are contributing this harrowing interview with a victim of slush season.

Here is an exclusive snippet from our conversation with Iowa sophomore Levi Strauss (no relation), a man whose jean cuffs are full of slush.

Doily Allergen: Where were you when you first felt your ankles envelop in the devilish sopping wet snow cocktail that covers our streets?

Levi Strauss: What?

DA: Um, where did you step in the slush?

LS: Oh, I guess I was walking to the chem building for a lecture.

DA: Did you ever make it to that lecture, or did the trauma from the sl*shy incident prevent you from attending your academic duties?

LS: No, I still made it on time. I suppose it was a little harder to pay attention because of it, though.

DA: checking box labeled “Affects ability to participate in work, life, or school” You had to buy new jeans because of the slush, no? Would you say that was an economic burden?

LS: Dude, I just put them through the washing machine. What are you trying to get at here?

DA: Look fucker, the domain for our website is about to expire and some bigshot from the school research department said we’d get a grant if we contributed to their seasonal affective disorder study. Can you help us out here a bit?

LS: By pretending that my wet socks are comparable to actual mental illness, wouldn’t I be trivializing the struggles of neurodivergent people whose lives are genuinely affected by their experiences with SAD?

DA: We’ll give you $20 from the grant.

LS: My life never was the same after the slush. It hurts to even think about it…

If you were touched by this story, please donate to our “New Jeans for Victims of Slush” fund and help us reach our fundraising goal of however much a year of Wix runs for these days.