Student Spotlight: Drunk Guys Don’t Even Remember Storming Capitol

Juniors Brandon Brent and Kevin Heck were two of the attendees at the insurrection attempt at the United States Capitol building on January 6th, 2021. According to their roommates, they made the trip to DC in Heck’s Toyota Corolla after taking time off work and planning for weeks. However, they claim they have no memory of committing treason on behalf of President Trump at all.

“It’s like, if we don’t remember it, how can we even be sure it happened, you know?” said Brent, who posted a twenty-minute Facebook Live on the steps of the Capitol (now deleted). “Maybe we were part of the coup, but maybe we were just like, chilling in DC.”

“It was just a craaaazy time, man,” said Heck, playfully shoving his friend. “This one cop was like trying to keep everyone out of the building and then he just kinda gave up and let us all in. And then Brandon goes up and the cop gives him a big hug, and it was his Uncle Derek! Like, you just never know where the night’s gonna go with this guy!…It was 1pm? I was too wasted, dude, hahahaha. I fully blacked out after that. We woke up in Maryland with Ilhan Omar’s computer keyboard and the mini Confederate flag Steve King left in his old office.”

When asked about his response to fellow students calling for academic consequences, Brent said “This is an attack on our first amendment right. I’m not a law guy, but that’s our right to not get punished because our parents can afford lawyers. I think.”

According to Brent and Heck’s peers, the two finance majors are not actively part of any white supremacist groups, but are “your average racist dinguses”. However, our reporting has revealed that they are high on a recruitment list for the University of Iowa’s small but growing student organization “Hawks for Q”.