Student Spotlight: Al Gore

Several days ago, we at the DA received an anonymous tip concerning a celebrity student in classes of various subjects, including statistics, government, and environmental studies. Upon further investigation, we found the student to be none other than former Vice President of the United States, two-time presidential candidate, and inventor of the internet, Al Gore!

We reached out to Gore for comments about his time as a student at Iowa, but we received no response. Go figure. However, our student testimonies contain more than enough evidence to detail Gore’s every move on campus. 

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, Gore is seen attending statistics lectures. One student remarked that they saw him shed a single tear when vote-counting was brought up as an example, and he is rumored to have left the room in frustration during a discussion on confounding variables. 

He also has a government class on these days, which…you think he’d be teaching those. Whatever. Do your own thing, Al. We support you! 

Tuesdays and Thursdays bring about a new set of challenges for Gore: he has an 8:30 environmental studies class which is apparently quite difficult, even for an environmentalist like Gore. 

Then, having nothing to do for the rest of the day, he is confronted with schoolwork. Al, if you’re reading this: we believe in you! There is no mountain you can’t climb, except for winning Florida in 2000, apparently. 

Dozens of students have reached out to tell us that Gore is often seen attending Mug Club on Thursday nights, then showing up to class hungover on Friday. He was also seen at Studio 13, Summit, and TCB. Never let them know your next move, Mr. Gore! 

On behalf of the University, thank you for all your hard work, Mr. Gore. Sorry our 7 electoral votes didn’t mean much. You’re worth more than 537 votes to us!