Student’s Phone Explodes from Too Many Emails; University Sends Apology Email

University students always complain about too many emails at the start of the semester, and nothing ever changes. But now, like so many have predicted would happen, things are getting dangerous. After receiving exactly 168,213,355.26 emails from clubs, advisors, teachers, and university officials, UI sophomore Brendan Flank’s phone exploded.

A generally easy-going guy, Flank told us, “I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. Things explode, it happens. But when I told my roommate that, he looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently I had a massive piece of shrapnel in my arm and needed to go to the ER right away. Probably explains why I felt so woozy.”

Five hours and six stitches later, Flank was back in his dorm and ready to get caught up on homework. He opened his email, glad that his computer was more durable than his phone, and found, among 843 new emails, a most sincere apology email from the university for the loss of his phone (but not for his injury). When asked for a comment, Dean of Students Angie Reams commented, “We know emails can be very irritating for students, but they are very necessary. All we can do about this horrible accident is hope that our heartfelt email lets Mr. Flank know how much we care. And, of course, we will be sending out an email to students about choosing more durable phones from here on out as well.”

To compensate for his loss, the university offered Flank three more of the $10 downtown Iowa City gift cards, should he walk to the IMU to collect them. When asked what he thought of this, Flank shrugged. “It’s better than literally nothing,” he said.

The rest of this article will detail what the 168,214,198.26 emails were for. 2,264 emails were invitations to join men’s sports teams and 3,584 were invitations to join women’s sports teams. 12,356 were invitations to submit one’s kid for psychological experimentation and 14,555 were invitations to submit one’s elderly parents and/or grandparents for psychological experimentation, both for cash. 105,358,321 were assignment created emails. 52,365 were from professors or TAs changing their office hours. 23,630 were from fraternities and sororities pretending they care about academics and the community to try to gain members. 17,437 tried to convince someone to come to a religious service. 13,321,678 were from other student orgs. 26,457 were from career “opportunities” that Flank would have been absolutely uninterested in, and 1 was from a career opportunity that would’ve been perfect for Flank, if only he had had the time to actually sort through his emails. The remaining 43,381550.26 were from professors changing due dates.