Student Profile: This Fucking Guy and His Fucking Shorts

Our breath is visible in the air. Snow is piled in every parking lot. The street has the sheen of black ice. Winter has settled in, and this fucking guy is out here in his motherfucking shorts. I sit down with the guy in shorts on a stone bench outside the Old Capitol building to ask how he can even live with himself.

“They were clean and I just had stats class today, don’t need to dress up nice for that,” the stupid kid chuckled to himself as his off-brand basketball shorts exposed his legs to the fucking frigid wind.

This stupid guy was probably the only dumbass who showed up to stats in the cold. Even the more seasoned student athletes are throwing on some sweats after leaving the rec.

“It’s not even that cold.” the liar continued. I could see his little bitch leg hairs prickle on the stone bench. He’s even wearing a hat. With clear regard for his gaint wax filled-ears, he won’t even come near a pair of real fucking pants. Where’s the logic? Even I’M cold and I’m out here in a real winter coat, not this shitbag sweatshirt that this guy is wearing. He can’t even bother to get his ass on a fuckcycle to Burlington Coat Factory.

“What are your plans after this?” I ask, like a motherfucking professional. I think he’s going to say that he’s off to doward dog in the middle of the sauna.

“Oh, the guys and I are making a big snowman in our yard. That’s the dope part of winter right?”

This fucker wants hypothermia. He’s got the goddamn choice to cover his hairy asshole with some real fucking pants and instead he’s going to stay out here, his frozen tits and all, while his assfuck friends watch. He’s so confident that his worthless life is going to be spared from fucking freezing solid. You know what? Fuck that fucking guy and his fucking shorts. I’m going to show him. I’m going to show all those cheeky bastards. Guess who’s wearing their goddamn basketball shorts tomorrow motherfuckers?!