Student Employees Now to be Paid in BarbBucks

Every little boy and girl at orientation is told that University of Iowa is a cashless campus, and that they are instead encouraged to utilize the Hawk Dollar system for essential purchases such as food, water, and University of Iowa Dri-Fit Tri-Blend Short Sleeve T-Shirts (available in sizes S to 3XL at the Hawk Shop). But have you ever wished that cash was an option? Are there some things that should just be bought with cold, hard-earned American paper? Are you in Hawk Dollar Debt and Herky is giving you until Friday before he pays you a visit with a currency you don’t want to accept? INTRODUCING: BarbBucks, a generous gift from UIowa’s own Barbara Wilson.

BarbBucks give student workers an opportunity to earn the spending money that they all so desperately require. A recent poll revealed that 85% of UIowa students go without lunch, breakfast, or dinner each day, and a jaw-dropping 98% of students don’t even have enough money to buy a little prize for themselves. But with this new system, students will be able to stuff their pink little mouths with as many prizes as they possibly can. And here’s another perk: Give Barb a 75% portion of your income for her retirement fund, and she’ll match every penny with BarbBucks.

BarbBucks are exclusively redeemable for: Little bouncy balls (5 BB) Vampire teeth (10 BB) Candy necklace (15 BB) Whoopee cushion (20 BB) Big bouncy balls (25 BB) Even bigger and bouncier balls (33.5 BB) 4-piece Oreo pack (78 BB)

We caught up with Barb to talk about her new system of currency as she trundled down the sidewalk by the IMU, hawking her wares from a stolen HyVee shopping cart.

“These student workers toil day and night, slopping grub onto their fellow student’s plate and mopping up dorm bathrooms floors covered in grey sludge and God knows what else. It’s the least I can do to give them a reminder of why they work so hard,” Barb wheezed as she huffed and puffed her way up the Catlett hill. Soon she had a crowd of students surrounding her and bouncing up and down, eager to get their grubby little hands on some prizes. She proceeded to pass out wads of cash with her face on them and the students mobbed the cart, squealing with glee as they grabbed vampire teeth and Whoopie cushions by the fistful.

“See? They love it! ” Barb said with a smug grin that I wanted to slap off her face. “Anything to keep them docile, really. Hey little Timmy, here’s a little something extra for this month,” she said, pressing a singular solitary dollar into the outstretched palm of a toothless freshman.

“We’re also hoping to turn this into a sports initiative. From this day on, at every Hawkeye athletic event, we’re going to be blowing BarbBucks out into the crowd from one of those huge wind blower things. Spectators won’t even be able to watch the game, so preoccupied will they be with scrambling around the bleachers trying to shovel BarbBucks into their Barb Duffel Bags. Like in Harry Potter when he’s trying to catch those letters. Have you seen that movie? It’s very childish at times but I find it rather charming all the same. I think I would be in Gryffindor.”

Sounds like things are off to a great start with BarbBucks. We also received a new announcement from the President’s desk that just came in this morning: “Save up your BarbBucks and win one night of wild passion with the entirety of the Hawkeye Marching Band for only 70,000 BB.”