Student Awakes in Dorm Room to Find Salt Co. Members Standing Around Him

Since the Class of 2025 arrived on campus, there has been the usual uptick in activity from student organizations at the University. Wearing their signature obnoxious yellow tees, the freshmen are easy to pick out from the crowd and lure in with promises of pizza or donuts. But as of recently, a particular Christian group decided to bring the org to a freshman instead.

Freshman Jerome Finkle was asleep in his dorm room in Mayflower when there was a quiet creak of the door. As light crept in, he sat up in his bed to find fifteen Salt Company Members standing around him. One of them sat in his desk chair with a volleyball in one hand, and a glass of something brown in the other.

Finkle told us himself about the encounter. What you will read may shock some readers.

“He looked like a Bond villain,” he said. “I could only assume he was the leader. When I asked what was in the glass he told me it was apple juice and downed the whole thing. They were all standing there smiling at me, holding candles and asking me if I wanted to come down to the Pentacrest and play some games.”

When Finkle asked them how they even got in, the leader said, “God always finds a way.”

When he asked if they’d leave his room, they all pulled out pamphlets and set them on his bed, patting his head and genuflecting before leaving the room.

Upon waking up the next morning, Finkle thought he’d just experienced the strangest dream when he noticed at the end of his bed fifteen pamphlets sat in a neat little pile, encouraging him to join Salt Co. Jerome promptly salted and burnt them the next morning.

The incident was promptly reported via University email as a “crime in a West Side residence hall.