Stimulus Check Spent On Stimulants

Dozens of UI students left without a job from the COVID-19 pandemic received some relief this week as government stimulus checks began to arrive, and sophomore Lily Heaton found a rather unique way to spend her stimulus paycheck: stimulants.

“A couple days after I got the check, I was sitting around thinking about how strange and upsetting this whole pandemic situation has been,” Heaton said. “And then I had this thought – you know, if I could get my hands on an utterly obscene amount of drugs, I have a feeling that this would all become a lot less depressing. Turns out I was right, because I’ve been flying high for eighteen hours straight. Life’s been fucking excellent, you know what I’m saying? You know what I’m saying, bro?”

A few phone calls and thirty minutes later, she had used her entire $1,200 stimulus check to buy a quantity of cocaine and ecstasy that would kill the average business major. “It really wasn’t hard to find that much at all,” she said, aggressively scratching her nose. “I lived in Mayflower last year, so half the contacts on my phone are cocaine plugs.”

Heaton highly recommended other students in Iowa City to spend their stimulus checks on stimulants as well, saying that the purchase had resolved any lack of motivation from the pandemic and “hit really nice through a rolled up stimulus check.” She added that owning a breathtaking amount of drugs also counteracted the loneliness of isolation, due to the influx of people hitting her up to get molly.

“That stimulus check worked exactly as advertised,” she said. “I’ve never felt so goddamn stimulated in my life. I’ve had probably seven or eight million-dollar ideas in the last five seconds, so the economy is gonna be my bitch when this interview is over, and earlier today I started and finished training for a half-marathon for whenever we can have those again. It’s been weeks since I’ve been this motherfucking motivated! The federal government really came through with this one. God bless America! WOOO!”

Edit: Heaton went into cardiac arrest shortly after publication of this article. She will be missed.