Starting Off The Semester Right: Bruce Harreld Announces Plan To Jump Iowa River In CAMBUS

In a meandering email sent to the entire student body, UI President Bruce Harreld announced his plan to jump the Iowa River in a Cambus.

“Students, faculty, staff—The University of Iowa has a proud tradition of audacity. As Hawkeyes, we’re born risk-takers, innovators. We invent, we create. We make things happen. We laugh in the face of death. Which is why on February 7th 2020, I Bruce Harreld will attempt a full airborne jump across the Iowa River in a cambus.”

Wow. Talk about starting off the semester on a high note. Harreld continued,

“To achieve this, I will need to reach a speed of 75 mph before launching myself into divine flight from a ramp of reinforced steel set at a 160 angle. Midair, I will raise my hands in triumph as golden fireworks explode behind me. The cambus engine will roar. I will seize this University’s place in the halls of splendor. I will ride out and meet the day, fearless.”

“There’s no guarantee of success. Your beloved President may very well lose his life. I know what you’re thinking, ‘Bruce! You don’t have to do this alone! Let a small company of your loyal followers join you on the cambus! Let us together hurtle ourselves over the magnificent waterway! Let us join you in eternal glory!’

“No. This task I complete alone.”

Students interested in spectating the jump were encouraged by Harreld to be ready for the “adrenaline rush of a fucking life time, and go Hawks.”