Sign Guy Gets Resurrected

He will come in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his sign will have no end

For those of you tuned into all things annoyingly Christian, you may recall an incident last year, during which our beloved Burge Sign Guy was taken up by a tractor beam of holy light straight into capital-G God’s waiting arms in heaven. Now, we at Doily are pleased to announce that he’s back, and readier than ever to disrupt your lunchtime commute.

Today, witnesses participating in an Easter egg hunt by I-80 (because nobody EVER thinks to look there) contacted us in holy hysterics, for they had just witnessed a miracle. The oddly Libertarian ‘World’s Largest Wooden Nickel’ had rolled away, revealing a tomb that’s apparently been behind it the whole time, and out stepped, in ghostly vestments, the Sign Guy, shining radiant light. 

According to our various sources, the Sign Guy said nothing, but simply raised his sign and led the egg hunters into the city, parting traffic like the red sea to shepherd them into the promised land. The resulting pileup caused 17 injuries and one death, but Sign Guy raised that person back to life, so it’s all good.

Newly Resurrected Sign Guy has revealed that he has actually changed his pronouns, and is now going by the Adamic pronoun, which all humans used before God struck them down for building the lesser known Plant-Based Tower of Babel. However, since none of us can perceive or pronounce it, on account of the Biblical curse, “he” is still fine.

The Second Coming of Sign Guy has been foretold since his rapturing by various groups, all claiming, rather idolatrously, to be his true chosen followers, but most of those rumors stopped after three days, three weeks, and three months, because three years seemed too daunting. 

Such omens generally contained various apocalyptic figures, such as the False Professor, the Anti-Catlett, and a protestor on a pale sandwich board, but none of these have shown up yet. Sign Day Adventist leaders are encouraging followers to stay patient and penitent—the apocalypse may be stuck in customs, and will take a few weeks. We’re really holding out hope for the “Babylon falls and the merchants of the earth weep and mourn” thing, though.