Sign Guy Gets Raptured During Demonstration Outside Burge

All signs point to salvation

The University of Iowa campus has just lost one of Christ’s strongest warriors, but the kingdom of heaven has gained one, so we at the Doily Allergen suppose it’s nothing to mourn.

Last Thursday afternoon, amidst an argument with a political science major (who, it should be noted, had pronouns), one of our precious sign guys was suddenly surrounded by a veil of heavenly light that split the clouds like Moses. While the unnamed sign guy first suspected that the light was a “liberal space laser”, according to one witness, the pure and unfiltered light of God, fluoride free, proved him wrong. 

The wokies that had been berating the sign guy for the last hour (whatever happened to freedom of speech?) were dumbstruck and blinded by the glory of our king in heaven. The pronoun user cast off those dastardly pronouns in favor of he/is/risen. All of the water fountains turned to wine. George Washington’s ghost was there, and he was crying. Someone handed our witness at the scene 20 dollars.

Regardless of the miracle, we fear the coming days. Without a sign guy, our beloved university will descend into the lowest depths of villainy, full of wicked pot smokers and Catholics and good people who invest in their own happiness and accept one another, and themselves, for who they are. To mitigate the chances of letting the student body live undisturbed for too long, Sign Guys Associated will be holding an election for the Burge seat, alongside their annual sign design contest. We can only hope that an equally virtuous warrior will step up to fill his place.

We reached out to God for comment, but our correspondent returned with empty tablets.

For the next week, the abortion sign guys will all tilt their signs to half mast in remembrance, and we at the Doily Allergen extend our best thoughts and prayers to wish the sign guy a pleasant afterlife. We wonder slightly how he’ll react to God (He/Him) having pronouns.